Did I mention...

Ayva's First concert ROCKED!!!!

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold,

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

~{The wonderful and amazingly talented} Robert Frost

Well, this is my absolute favorite poem ever...and i found it appropriate for the way I've been feeling lately. I guess I've been bumming and freaking out a little with the approach of Fall, Ayva's departure to Kindergarten and my impending joblessness...(is that even a word?!) Anyway...to add to that, I was class president in all my years of jr/sr high school except one...so naturally I inherited the task of planning our ten year class reunion...which no one wantd to offer any help or input with! So...it went down like this...I planned a Happy Hour get-together with appetizers at a bar in Granville, where we graduated and then a more formal get-together at a BEAUTIFUL place on Glen Lake, (very close to Lake George). We had a buffet set up and it cost $35 per/person for the buffet, drink ticket, and icluded tax an tip. I was using class funds to pay for every classmates ticket and only holding them responsible for guest ticket..pretty reasonable I think, right? Anyway, I got 11 RSVPS to the buffet gathering, which I was most worried about getting a solid number...and YES, I harrassed a little to make sure I could get an accurate count. So I took 11 responses, times two for guests...and gave the place a number of about 20-25 expected guests. Friday night Happy Hour went pretty well, we had about 12 classmates show, some with significant others...which got me pretty pumped for Saturday...Guess how many showed? 6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have never been so disappointed, irritated and embarassed in my life. Did I mention that beuatiful location on Glen Lake also happens to be one of Ron's accounts?? Ha! I felt like such an ass and am soooo dissappointed in my classmates! So, no sweat off my back I guess, but our class fund ATE IT big time for the 25 tickets that I paid for! Oh well. We were never a very close group to begin with, and I guess I'm not surprised in the end. It was really nice to see a few of the people that did care enough to show up!!

On the other end...I have not yet found a job, still looking, and worrying about insurance for Ayva. I have applied for unemploymnet and will have an appointment Wednesday to get insurance rolling for her. Her first day of Kindergarten is RAPIDLY approaching, and I know I'm going to have a super hard time letting go...but I guess everything really does happen for a reason, because now I will be able to be there to drop her off and pick her up in her first day, instead of being in my own classroom! And poor Ron...my below-average attitude has not been good for him lately. But we had a really nice heart-to-heart last night, and he told me exactly where I stand with him, no matter what. He's always very good at talking some sense into me whe I get all melodramatic! Well...here's looking to FALL...the beautiful changing of the leaves, the Adirondack Balloon Festival, the County Fair , my sister's wedding, Ayva starting an important chapter in her life...the starting back up of dance classes, open houses, parent teacher conferences, plays, concerts etc...except now I get to be on the parent side of it!! Wishing all of you a wonderful school year!!!

Can I just have a moment!?

Well, here I go sliding down the slippery slope of self-loathing and self-pity! And what got me here? Because honestly...things couldn't be going any better as far as my relationship and family life go. Ron and I get along so well, I love him so much, and our little blended family is REALLY becoming a FAMILY!
I suppose it could have a little to do with the fact that my sister's wedding is 2 months away now, and SURPRISE!...my big brother just got engaged to his girlfriend of seriously...I don't even think it's been 8 months! Don't get me wrong...I am SOOO happy for him, I have never seen him happier and she seems like a really great girl who is totally in love with him. And I'm really happy for my sister too. She also has never been happier and her man is AMAZING in everyway...like amazing in that he adopted her first three children and took them as his own, amazing! But you know what? Guess who else has never been happier...this girl right here! So why do I have to be prone to these periodic bouts of "feel sorry for myself" syndrome?? It's so hard to see everyone else being so happy and consimating that happiness with the committment of marriage and I feel like I don't get that same opportunity. I don't know if I'm selfish, too impatient or just can't be happy with what I have...but it kills me sometimes. I love Ron with every bit of my heart, and without a doubt want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I'm so afraid that I'm always going to have this one thing that is missing and dragging me down! I don't know how to shake it! :( I don't want to turn into a bitter old woman with a folder of wedding dresses that I've picked out, but will never wear...scowling at everyone with good news to share! HELP ME, PLEASE!!!!!