Well, here I go sliding down the slippery slope of self-loathing and self-pity! And what got me here? Because honestly...things couldn't be going any better as far as my relationship and family life go. Ron and I get along so well, I love him so much, and our little blended family is REALLY becoming a FAMILY!
I suppose it could have a little to do with the fact that my sister's wedding is 2 months away now, and SURPRISE!...my big brother just got engaged to his girlfriend of seriously...I don't even think it's been 8 months! Don't get me wrong...I am SOOO happy for him, I have never seen him happier and she seems like a really great girl who is totally in love with him. And I'm really happy for my sister too. She also has never been happier and her man is AMAZING in everyway...like amazing in that he adopted her first three children and took them as his own, amazing! But you know what? Guess who else has never been happier...this girl right here! So why do I have to be prone to these periodic bouts of "feel sorry for myself" syndrome?? It's so hard to see everyone else being so happy and consimating that happiness with the committment of marriage and I feel like I don't get that same opportunity. I don't know if I'm selfish, too impatient or just can't be happy with what I have...but it kills me sometimes. I love Ron with every bit of my heart, and without a doubt want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I'm so afraid that I'm always going to have this one thing that is missing and dragging me down! I don't know how to shake it! :( I don't want to turn into a bitter old woman with a folder of wedding dresses that I've picked out, but will never wear...scowling at everyone with good news to share! HELP ME, PLEASE!!!!!
Aloha!!!....I am VERY well versed in watching friends and family members around me marrying and me not, to put it simply...I think that society places many expectations on how out lives SHOULD look...Married, kids etc....I am not saying that I would not want to marry Steve...This is the best relationship that I have been in in my entire life...Start really listening to those around you talk about their relationships....I can guarantee you that being married has NOTHING to do with their happiness...Listening to you talk about Ron and how happy you are w/him needs to supercede all of that "chatter"...we ALL have it in our minds...I am always asked when I am marrying Steve....I simply state-"We are SO happy together...What happens, happens"...My closest friends would never put me on the spot like that....They hear how happy I am and that is good enough for them....You were married and weren't happy....The marriage part didn't make the relationship any better-right?!....We just can't measure our lives by other peoples....It took me a LONG time to realize that...If I hadn't, I probably wouldn't bother to get out of bed everyday....I had to start realizing that this is my life NOW...My life doesn't begin when I get married or when I have a child...It's happening at this moment...Enjoy YOUR moment...Truthfully, peoples are probably envious of what YOU have!!!...It's ok that you sometimes want more...That's our society wiring the "norm" in our brains....You are loved by a wonderful man....I'm certain that there will be a day when you do get that piece of "paper", but your heart can tell you that you already have that commitment NOW... Chat soon friend- A
ReplyDeleteOh Sweetie, we all have those moments. I agree with the person who responded ahead of me... you must realize that you and Ron have something very special, that even most married couples do not have. Rejoice in it, and I suspect things will happen when you find yourself feeling content with whatever happens. Take all the moments you need, us girls certainly understand another girls need to vent :) I personally would take this un-married Lyndsey who is glowing and over-flowing with happiness over the married Lyndsey who was crying and unfulfilled any day. And, I think the "feel sorry for myself syndrome" is something everyone goes through. Maybe we all have times in our life where we live in that feeling more then others (I find myself there more then I want to lately), and everyone you see who seems to have it all together and perfectly happy, well, they have their own syndrome to go through too about different things. I think we are all here to learn something, and if our lives were perfect in every way, what are we learning?
ReplyDeleteI LOVE YOU, and really really miss having my best friend. xo
ya know...I don't know what I would do without this "support group"...I love Ron sooo much and we are both happier than we have ever been...it means a lot to me to be able to share his last name one day, and even though some may say it's just a piece of paper, it does mean very much more to me...but I do hate the fact that this becomes such a focus for me at times! Afterall, we have only been dating for a little over three years, which isn't very long in the grand scheme of things. I really do need to be more patient and let things be what they are going to be, as hard as that is sometimes! Adrienne, you always have such sound advice and I truly appreciate that you take the time to "be there" and offer it to me!! Mandy- I miss you more than you know, and it's sooo hard being so far away! You were there for me through all my crying and heartbreak, and I know you're still there for me now, even when things are chaotic in your own life...you always make time for everyone else! Right now, its been an endless sccramble to find a job or figure out some source of income as the summer rapidly comes to an end...another huge worry that I don't need on my plate! :/ Anyway, so goes life, right? xoxoxo- girls, you always make my day! <3
ReplyDeletewhat Adrienne said....One day I would LOVE to marry Mr. Man, but bless his heart, he's got some baggage that some other b*&%h put there! One day, he'll work all that out. In the meantime, (at least his voice) is there in the morning, in the evening, sometimes in the middle of the day via a text. We are always planning our next great adventure (LABOR DAY WEEKEND!!!) and life is great...However, I don't have a ful-time hubby. So, what am I going to concentrate on? glass half-full or glass half-empty? I'm going with the full here and I think should as well...now that we are FB buddies, man, your life rocks! I haven't seen too much success with blended families (and I myself was one of its "victims" as a child), but you are an amazing person to accept Mr. Wonderful's kids in every aspect of your life together...That is such a gift and I know he values you more than he would a wife...I was in Coconut Grove a few weeks ago with my part-time man... HA HA...I took a picture and I will probably blog about it..This is what it said..."We don't see things as THEY are..we see things as WE are..." While I personally will never believe that marriage is "just a piece of paper," just see your mutual committment as what the two of you ARE....i mean, it's obviously working for Angelina and Brad... LOL....do you have a job for the new school year?
ReplyDelete